I scream. You scream.
So...like, okay...Life as a working mother of two is the busiest that I have ever been. Whenever you think that you have had all that you can handle, life goes ahead and sends you your current load: twofold. Somehow, someway, we handle it, right? We push ahead. We forge onward. I have no frickin' idea how but it gets done. The problem is that we ladies often forgo our own needs in exchange for the wellbeing of those around us. This is fine once in a while, but damn, if this happens constantly, we end up in a deep hole. I'm here now. Hi.
Let's consider this more of a vent than anything else. I work at a nursing home - it suits my momma convenience needs and offers us some decent health benefits. I also work at a local gym because that is what I LOVE - helping those that want to learn, grow (or shrink!) and enhance their knowledge - Heck yeah. I'm in. Then, I also have two kids and a husband, who jokingly is mostly a third kid. These humans are the air that I breathe and also the ones who can be so cloying that I can't breathe. The irony isn't lost on me. Life is like this.
Cue that twofold that I was talking about above. I have never been more proud of my husband than when he decided to resign from his position and to start his own private practice (he's an herbalist/supplement expert) this past month. I was OVER THE MOON! ECSTATIC! Then, it dawned on me. He needs me. Now more than ever. All of a sudden, I was spending every breathing moment (after my other work and kiddo needs) designing a website, starting his social media presence, covering almost 100% of household needs, being parent extraordinaire and keeping my husband sane. <sigh> I legit LOVE what he's doing and I love my babies and my work, but where did I go? I couldn't remember the last time that I did or thought to do something just for me. There just isn't time. My husband was recently given a set of special game cards aimed at starting conversation over dinner. Card topics might be like: "Name two people in history, alive or dead, that you'd want to have dinner with", or "What makes you happy?". We played it. My husband loved it and answered every question. You know what I did - shrug. I had no answers. This happened a few months ago and it's haunted me to this day. Where did I go? I must be more than just this shell of a mom and wife and worker who goes about my daily tasks. Right?
I've been painfully, slowly trying to pull my way out of this since then. It mostly hasn't worked due to sheer exhaustion and busy schedules, but I've been forcing me to make time for myself. I'm asking myself: what do I WANT to do (besides sleep)? I'm realizing that I want more out of my career. I became a Certified Personal Trainer in March - I want to do that! I want to learn and help and guide. This week, I took the leap and asked if I could work with a trainer at the gym to shadow her and learn from her. She let me and I'm forcing my schedule to allow me these moments with her - to see her enthusiasm for her craft, to learn how she structures her classes, to see how she helps to create athletes from those who haven't worked out in years. Throughout this week, I've tried to take teeny moments and steal them for myself. Just today, I pulled out this glorious smelling body exfoliator from my closet and spent an extra five minutes in the shower using it; time smelling that delicious aroma and for a few moments, just getting lost in doing something good for myself. I've tried to drink more water and have allowed myself treats this week. I'm trying to let go of the "I shoulds" and pay more attentions to the "I needs". I need to remember me. I need to spend a minute taking a deep breath or watching an episode of Sex and the City while getting ready in the morning - even if it makes me a few minutes late. It makes me laugh and I need that too. You know what? I've felt something deep in my belly light up this week. Maybe a spark of me coming back. Maybe some joy that I have missed. Something is inspired inside of me to continue this small path in that hopes that it may someday become a highway.
Am I the only one to somehow find themselves lost in the weeds of life? I know that I can't be. Motherhood. Wife-dom. Worker-bee. Friend. We wear so many hats. Just for a moment, just for brief, delicious moment, I hope that this post reminds you that you ARE worth it and to take some time to remember to wear the hat of YOU.